Did I really think that?

January 6, 2008

The other day I had a rare insight into how I used to think of myself, and more importantly how other people think of me. Well, used to think of me. I knew I was unhappy with my chest size but I didn’t know I projected this unhappiness like an aura, making me self-conscious and making any guys I was with feel uncomfortable.
I was talking to a friend of mine who I used to work with, and who I used to have kissing sessions with too, which one night turned into sex on the sitting room floor of his apartment. This was about two years ago, or more. I really liked him at the time but the shadow of the small breasted girl’s enemy–The Girl With Bigger Boobs–hung over me like a cloud.We were having drinks Thursday night talking about our ill-fated hook up (he was seeing someone else at the time–yet another sign of my lack of confidence–going for men I knew wouldn’t be able to be with me properly) and we were laughing at the drunken mess we were that night. I told him about my boob job and he was cool about it, saying good for you etc.
Then he reminded me of a conversation we had once where we were kissing in some bar in town and he was trying to feel my boobs. I would always immediately tense up when this happened, although this particular time I didn’t. But the other day he told me that after he had put his hand up my top I said “Do you hate me now?”

Christ. I don’t remember being that bad. I don’t remember saying it, but obviously I did. It’s kind of pathetic but also an excellent insight into how I felt about myself. That’s why it didn’t work between us, I was too crippled with insecurity. Oh and, he had a girlfriend.

It’s amazing how much better I feel about myself now, I know I keep saying it, but it’s true. ANYONE with an insecurity, and everyone has them, will feel better when they consciously go and do something about it. I am not saying that a woman’s happiness depends on her breast size, I’m saying MY happiness was blocked by my own warped view of myself–so I changed it.

Also I still do mostly forget I had it done. I have no pain apart from an occasional and mild muscle twinge, the scars are starting to improve, and they have dropped slightly already. As for softness, the outside of each one is really much softer than the insides, but they will get softer I know. When I lie down, they are harder.

But anyway imagine saying that or thinking that…that a guy who obviously liked me enough to be with me in the first place would go off me because I had no boobs. I was convinced of this for so long…Now if a guy goes off me, at least I know it’s not because I look shit in a nice bra 🙂

7 Responses to “Did I really think that?”

  1. Maria said

    I feel sorry for you

    But at least now you can become a porn actress

  2. alex94 said

    You’re so right. thank GOD I can now become a porn actress. HOW did you guess that’s what I want to do! Probably because it’s the only reason I, or anyone else, would ever get a boob job. Don’t listen to people who ask you not to stereotype, they’re idiots– every woman who gets a boob job is obviously a slut.

  3. rc said

    You obviously have deeper seeded self confidence issues that will not be fixed by what you had done… next, you’ll be wanting to alter some other attribute. Do you really think these things matter in the scope of “all things important” in life?

  4. name said

    Hi there, I stumbled across your blog by accident. I would tell everyone to get stuffed. Those that criticize your decision are either 1) male or 2) have boobs.

    I’ve not seen your ‘before’ picture yet but if you are like me .. well I can totally relate to this post. TOTALLY.

    I feel insecure, unattractive (even though I have an attractive face), and I hate myself sometimes since I have NO boobs at all. I’d be happy with small boobs. For me it’s not about having small boobs and wanting bigger ones, it’s about wanting some at all.. enough to fit into a bra, ANY bra. Or to wear a bra or a bikini top that doesn’t have any padding. Or, to fill out a dress instead of having it flap about loosely around the neckline. I don’t think anyone can possibly understand unless they’ve been in the same situation. For me it’s NEVER been about doing it to impress a man, for me it’s mostly just to look and feel NORMAL.

    For me.. it’s like.. imagine if your ears were half the size of everyone else’s.. wouldn’t you feel like a freak? Well that’s how I feel.

    btw I haven’t had ‘the procedure’ done but I think about it a lot. Simply I just dream of filling out any bra. At the moment I can’t even fill an AA bra.

  5. alex94 said

    Hey, thanks for your well written and honest comment. I know exactly how you feel and so do millions of other women. I have little time for people who don’t respect other people’s feelings and decisions, so I just ignore them now. Before I had my surgery I kind of doubted it would make me feel better, more confident. But it really did. I wasn’t trying to fix my life– of course I still have problems– I was trying to get ON with my life without having my lack of confidence clouding everything. I just feel better…and look better. But surgery isn’t for everyone, if you don’t want to do that, don’t, and whatever you choose, good luck. I guess we have to learn to love ourselves regardless of what we look like…but it’s hard to do.

  6. boobs on the brain said

    you know, what did it for me was when the clerk in the lingerie department suggested that i go to the teen section to look for a strapless bra. i wanted to cry, but i managed to get out of the store with my 34 a strapless padded bra…the ONLY one in the whole freakin place…and my two children. for someone to tell you that they don’t carry your size and to check the junior department is just depressing!

  7. Deborah said

    But of COURSE we want to be porn stars … and have sex with every other woman’s HUSBAND or BOYFRIEND … AND make more money at our jobs at STRIP BARS!

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